The Locked Gate

Yesterday I did a reading for myself and the card I puzzled over the most was #51, which I think of as "The Locked Gate." I wasn't sure exactly how it fit into my reading. I usually think of this card as one of "not being ready," or "closed opportunities." But it didn't seem to match what the other cards said.

My question was "Will it be beneficial for me to take a Memoir Writing class that starts next week?" One of my goals for 2016 is to write more, and taking writing classes helps me to keep up the practice. Yet some small part of me hesitated to sign up. I wondered if it was because I needed to have some space to myself at the beginning of the new year before filling my schedule with too many activities. Here is the full spread (click on the picture to get a larger view):

I wasn't quite sure what the "Past" card meant, but I interpreted it as "trust." In the past, I have taken other writing classes with playwright and teacher Douglas Jones at The Visual Arts Center of Richmond (click here to find writing classes that VisArts offers). He always sets a mood of trust and openness among his students. I started with "The Creative Spark" and finally felt brave enough to take "Writing the Shadow" in 2014. The Shadow class opened me up to looking at the darker side of myself - the parts I'm afraid to share or that I hide away. I didn't write about everything that scared me, but it helped me to understand and integrate that side of myself a little more, and to recognize the value of looking at and using the shadow in my writing, art, and life.

The "Present" card showed an open gate leading into a peaceful-looking park. I took that to mean openness and being ready to take the class. The "Challenge or Goal" was hands releasing dust (at least, that is what it looked like to me.) Perhaps this meant letting go - of control? Maybe stepping into the class not quite knowing what I will write or how it will come out? The Memoir course description said it would help writers to explore a focused part of their life, and I wasn't sure which part I would want to write about.

My "Internal" and "External Influences" were funny because they mirrored each other. In my inner world, I saw the process of writing memoir as a series of humongous mountains. In the external world, it showed a snake climbing over a small hill. This is so me. I always see projects as being huge and daunting, when in actuality they can only be carried out through a process of small steps, much like the snake going over the hill.

The "Release" card showed a guy sailing the seas on the back of a whale. I think of this card as one of adventure and searching. But because it was in the release position, I thought it meant I shouldn't go looking around everywhere or feel like I have to reach far, that maybe the stories I need to write are closer to me than I think. My "Accept" card showed the locked gate, which I'll get back to in a moment. My "Possibilities" cards showed a hand writing and sprouting lots of new ideas, and also a hand holding a key to a locked box which seemed to mean unlocking my writing spirit. So why the locked gate? That seemed contradictory to those two cards. I think there was a clue in my "Direction" card. It showed a hand with a cut on it - my writing might reveal some pain or make me feel vulnerable.

I pondered the locked gate. I even looked up the interpretations in the handbook that I myself wrote! It said: "Restrictions, not being ready, opportunity is unavailable, being denied - 'having the door closed in your face.'" 

Hmm.

Everything else in the reading seemed to point to the fact that taking the Memoir class would be a beneficial experience that would open up my writing self. So why did I have to accept this locked gate? 

This morning I woke up and understood. I also had clarity on other parts of the reading. I think the gate does mean something restricted. I think it's the part of myself I had restricted to others, the part that I am ashamed to show anyone but those closest to me who won't push me away. It's my anger. Most people are surprised to learn that I have an angry side. It's something I've wanted to write about but wasn't sure how to share. I think the card is telling me that it's time to accept this locked-up part of myself. It's time to write about it and own it, and thereby release it (I hope). 

Last month I was talking to a friend about fairy tales and horror movies. I told him how sometimes I want to watch horror movies but they scare me so much I can't go to sleep and they make me feel like the world is a horrible place.* My friend, who loves horror movies, said "The world can be a horrible place." I told him that even though fairy tales could also be horrific, I have been drawn to them since I was a kid. I said, "There's something about fairy tales that's not as bad as horror movies. Maybe because in the end there is comfort." I realized that fairy tales would not have the impact they do without that fear and the subsequent promise of comfort. The fear is an important element of the story. In fact, it is crucial. I told him I wanted to integrate more of my darker self into my art and writing, even in my work for children. He said he wanted to integrate more of the lighter side of himself into his already dark art and writing. 

Going back to the reading, I looked at the "Past," "Challenge," and "Direction" cards again and saw that they they have further dimension by alluding to a specific period of my life when my anger was uncontrollable, when I thought it might destroy myself and a relationship that I had. Looking back, that experience was a gift because it revealed the worst part of myself, and showed that I can still be loved and loving in spite of it. That part of me will never go away because it is me, though just an aspect. Just like my "good" side is just another aspect of myself. 

Now I'm not sure if I will ever share those experiences with anyone but my writing class and a few loved ones, and if I'm brave enough to write about it at all whether I will choose to share it out loud. But the cards don't lie about what is needed in my life.

I signed up for the writing class.

* If you're looking for a really good "horror" movie, watch "The Babadook." I'd heard it was extremely scary but extremely good, and I waffled over watching it for a month. When I finally did watch it, I was not scared. I was actually moved enough to shed tears. It was the first time I saw my own dark side externalized (though of course exaggerated in the movie). I empathized with both the protagonist and the monster, seeing it as a metaphor for the horror within. My boyfriend totally didn't get the metaphor, though, so I had to explain it to him.

Origins

This will be the first in what I hope to be many dialogues sharing our experiences using The Golden Moth Illumination Deck. For many, using the deck is a very new experience, since I only made them available last month. But you must remember that creating and using the deck is also a relatively new experience for myself.

Three years ago in August, I was preparing for my first craft show since moving to Richmond, Virginia. I had just moved earlier that summer, and was having trouble finding a job. I really didn't want to work at the same food service chain that I had left when I lived in Portland, Oregon, yet I also didn't have much luck finding places who were hiring (or would hire me, at least). After making a few feeble attempts to transfer to said Food Chain, I decided to stop trying. I had more time on my hands, and less money. However, I had been so unhappy working in food service that I decided I would use my time by diving into anything art-related I could find in Richmond. I volunteered for three months at The Visual Arts Center of Richmond (where I would later teach). I made a new zine about my observations of being in Richmond. And I scouted out for any craft fairs I could be a part of. My first was the annual Jonny Z Fest, organized by Art 180.

A few days before the fest, I decided to make a very quick rendition of my own "tarot" deck. But instead of traditional tarot images, I would use my own imagery. I was never a very skilled reader of tarot, but I was fascinated by it and other forms of divination such as I Ching and Runes. I had learned from my limited encounters with these forms that there are many ways to express similar sentiments and concepts, and that each form has its own special slant based on the culture and time period it was devised in. I decided it would be easier for me, as an artist, to create my own imagery that I felt could speak on a personal level to me, but also be highly relatable to others.

I sketched out tiny little rectangles in my sketchbook and quickly filled them with images and corresponding "titles." The drawings and concepts poured out of me as if they'd been incubating for years and just needed the opportunity to be released. After two short drawing sessions, I think I had about 60 cards sketched out. I cut up pieces of cardstock and drew the images onto tiny cards in the same simple, bare-bones fashion I'd made the sketches. I figured I would work on perfecting the drawings at a later time. After consulting with my sister and then-boyfriend, I decided I wouldn't title the cards. I always found it difficult in tarot to separate the meanings of the cards from their names. Some cards like "Death" or "The Devil" immediately inspired negative connotations to me that were hard to shake even when I knew that their symbolism was deeper, more subtle, and at times opposing to what I thought they were. My decision to not title the cards was also inspired by a deck called "SoulCards" which had images without titles or predefined meanings, meant to evoke creative expression and interpretation from the reader without any previous experience.

I was excited and nervous about bringing my cards to the craft show. I had never done a reading for a stranger before, and certainly never asked for monetary donations for doing one. But for some reason, I had confidence that the cards would "work." I had done "readings" in the past for people that were nothing like tarot readings. It's hard to explain without giving it away (which would defeat its purpose), but it's a visualization exercise that I found in a young adult novel years ago. I asked people to describe what they saw when given a certain situation and objects to visualize. I would draw these things and make notes about them that they could look at later. From their descriptions, I interpreted what each thing meant about themselves and their personality. I found that people almost always responded in a surprised fashion at these interpretations, amazed at how well the interpretations seemed to represent them. I realized I was good at those kinds of readings because I am an artist and I am highly drawn to symbolism and visual representations of what goes on "under the surface." For that reason, I believe my visual language/intelligence is more finely-attuned and one of my strongest assets.

I did three card readings at the Jonny Z Fest. Honestly, I can't remember too much about the readings. I knew I had to be confident and trust the cards in order for them to work. I had to have faith. One person responded in a sort of neutral fashion, but I remember that one lady seemed really excited about her reading. All I remember is that it was enough for me to feel gratified about the whole process myself. I had helped a few people gain some clarity over situations or problems they were facing, or at least gave them another way to look at things. The cards related to their questions in a way that was not purely coincidental or random they way some newspaper horoscopes seem to be. I had dialogues with strangers about their personal matters, connecting in a way that seldom has the opportunity to flourish under normal circumstances.

For the last three years, I have honed my own reading style more and more. That is not to say that I am an expert. There are times when I lack confidence and feel that I am not giving the Questioner the experience or answers they had hoped for. However, I've found that it's impossible to please everyone. The majority of the experiences I've shared with others make the process of reading cards to be enjoyable, enlightening, and satisfying to me. I used to think I was "telling the future" for others. But I am not a psychic. At best, I can be highly intuitive, at worst hesitating and doubtful. I've found that reading cards for others is part divination/part healing process - allowing others to share their uncertainty and view situations from a new perspective. I've observed people become emotional, shed tears, release unhealthy expectations, and express joy. I've seen an emotional shift in a person who sat down next to me, from slightly skeptical to elated. To put it visually, it's as if a door opened inside of them and they became filled with light and energy.

As I continue to read the cards, I find that I increasingly ask for input from the Questioner. I find that they have a lot to teach me, in terms of how they interpret the cards and how the images apply to their situation. I think that having a conversation about the cards is an important part of the process, as opposed to me giving the interpretations and not having any input. However, I've read for people who would only nod their head or look at the cards with a bemused expression, who would say things like "this card makes a lot of sense to me" and not  elaborate any further. I've respected their silence as well, for everyone processes experiences differently and sharing should be a purely voluntary response.

Dialogue:
What is your experience using the cards? Did you purchase the cards yourself, or are they a gift from a friend? Have you read tarot before or worked with other forms of divination? How does reading these cards compare? Have you never read cards before? How do you feel as a beginner? Any stories you'd like to share? Questions?

I can't wait to hear all about it! Please leave your comments here and feel free to "talk" to others who respond. I do believe that we can all learn from each other, and I plan to keep writing posts that inspire an active dialogue and friendship among the Golden Moth community. Part of the reason I was so excited to release this deck to the public was seeing how the use of the cards would grow and change through the collective experiences of others. That includes you!


xo aijung